Ode to Cereal

Cereal is a wonderful thing. I love cereal. Made from Corn, Oats, Rice, Wheat, and usually fortified with essential vitamins and minerals, how can it NOT be good for you? Alas, it is one of nature's wonders-- and can come Frosted or not. Cereal is comfort; Cereal is contentment; Cereal is love.

Cereal-- the tie that binds--unless, of course, there's some Bran involved, which tends to "unbind"...

Those two Kellogg fellows really had a good thing going, and each time I break out one of their brands, I tip my cereal bowl in the direction of Battle Creek, Michigan, the Mecca of Cereal.

That is the only strength I will give to the North, however. That and the invention of winter.

I can say that if it weren't for Cereal, I wouldn’t have made it this far in life. As a wormy kid it was all I would eat, even though my folks opted to get the more "healthier" (no sugar) choices on most occasions. My Grandmother, on the other hand, always had the special box of Cereal in her cabinet. And always with the cool prize.

I swore to all that was holy and powerful that when I grew up and made my own way in life that nobody and I damn well meant nobody but myself would dictate to me the cereal I would buy. It is a promise that remains unbroken. Even at the tender age of seven I knew then what I know now-that life is too short to eat healthy Cereal.

Don't get me wrong. I have no issue with any of the "healthy" Cereals out there--some of them are actually very tasty. But until they come up with one that tastes like Cap'n Crunch, Apple Jacks, or Cocoa Pebbles, then they will remain on the top shelf on aisle two at Kroger. Each to his or her own, I say. A lot of folks have died in order that we get our freedoms-Freedom of Speech, Freedom of Worship, Freedom from Want, Freedom from Fear, and Freedom on aisle two at Kroger.

I have spent up to thirty minutes on the cereal aisle, picking from the many different brands. It remains the only distinct advantage I have found in being a grown adult. A lesser distinct advantage is the ability to buy your own beer.

Admittedly, the prizes have taken a downward spiral. Those Little race cars, 3-D baseball cards with the likes of Phil Niekro, and other cool items of instant gratification have gone the way of the dinosaur, replaced with web site links and online registrations for a bazillion in one chance to win a super duper video X-tendo whammy box, complete with quadraphonic earphones. "Sorry, this box not a winner please play again" is found stamped on the inside of the Cereal box nowadays.

Barbarians.

Deliver me.

Regardless, Cereal is awesome. It reminds me of all things good and pleasant in this world. My love affair with it continues.

I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me Froot Loops, or give me death.