TUNA ON WHITE

Preface:

Winnie, the blonde headed daughter I never see, informs me she is enroute to her place of work but has made tuna fish and there’s “plenty”.



When Life hands you tuna fish you add some mustard and mayo and a few sweet pickles and make, well, what I call tuna fish. You know, the kind for crackers and or sammiches. My expectation was a sammich.



Maybe it wasn’t my expectation as much as it was what I had envisioned. I envisioned white bread cut in diagonal. It goes without saying that the Lord himself eats sammiches cut diagonal. In this instance, what I envisioned shattered my expectations. It cut them to pieces, and not diagonally.



No bread.



By that I mean, again, if you will digress with me, the bread the Lord himself eats. White bread. Sammich bread. Alas, the Lords bread. And I ain’t got none. Correction. Its ‘ain’t got any’. Pardon the grammar, I’m a bit stressed.



At this point in my diatribe I must make mention that Wifey has been on a “fiscal cleansing” jihad. “We ain't buying no more groceries until we thin out what we have in the cabinets!” says she.



I look again, as my blood pressure begins to rise. Nothing. Then I saw it.



Bread. Well, the wrapper said bread, but it also said “WHEAT”.



You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish on wheat.



In my mind I heard a voice. It was the voice of every Mother since the beginning of time saying "Wheat bread is better for you..."



Mom law 101, section 2, paragraph 3 a (1) states: “Mothers will utilize white bread to convince their children to eat until such time that the implementation of whole wheat is achieved. This deception will further be enhanced by the repetitive chant of “its better for you”. Normal Whole wheat transition may vary from child to child, but should be complete by the 16th year, at which time no recollection of ever having served white bread will be acknowledged. For further guidance in this see section 17, appendix A; Spouse Reinforcement Training.

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I am a victim of the damn fiscal cleansing. There’s nothing in this house to eat save for a can of chick peas......chick peas aren’t eligible for fiscal cleansing. In fact, they wouldn’t even make good fish bait. Chick peas are called that because only girls eat them.





I work hard, am in the car for nearly four hours a day, and don't give or take any crap ---at the very least my expectation should be some white bread sammiches—yet here I am with whole wheat…..







Hold your nose

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Wheat bread is to sammiches what methiolate and mercurochrome was to cuts and scrapes. “Blow it”, Mom would say as she would apply it into my wound. But the end result was the same. Intense stinging. The problem is that nowadays wheat bread still exists.



Want another example? Ok. To compare wheat to white is to compare castor oil to chocolate milk. Yes, you are exactly right. There's no common denominator. But by using this same logic—this comes from George 101 so bear with me--- and compare castor oil to wheat bread. Now you can clearly find the common denominator. Got it? Correct! A hyperactive gag reflex.



Friends, there’s no room for discussion or debate here. Wheat bread is medicine!



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For a nanosecond I opted to make a PBJ, but then thought why waste good Peanut butter and jelly on wheat bread?



WWJWD. What Would John Wayne do?

He would have done what any real man would do—beat his wife senseless with the can of chick peas and tell her to pack her bags. Well, no not really, that’s just me being emotional. The Duke would have darn well went to Kroger and bought a buggy full of Colonial Old Fashioned White. He would have also stopped on aisle 3 for cereal and aisle 5 for Ovaltine, but again I digress.



As it turned out, I reached down where my man parts are supposed to be, made me a tuna fish sammich on whole wheat, pinched my nose, and like most medicine, swallowed it whole.

To get the taste of tuna fish and wheat bread out of my mouth, I found some Tony Tiger Flakes and ate them. After all, wheat bread is better for you.