Casual Day/Xmas Lunch

It is civies day since we are having the office Xmas lunch---Having
gathered my outfit for this day last night and putting it thru the wash
cycle, I discover that my shirt didnt fit--rather, it was puckered as if
washed in alum and lemon juice, and taken on the appearance of having been in
the bottom of my closet instead of on a hangar. I immediately went into
Tourettes mode, let go of a few choice words while simultaneously pretending
I was Hulk Hogan as I ripped it from my torso. I went to the bedroom careful
not to wake my wife (this was a special sleep in day for her as the kids are
dismissed from school for the Holidays) and promptly retrieved another from
the floor of my closet. It did not fit nor! did it match but everything else
is in the laundry room--piled on the floor--and dirty.

My belt-the one I carefully rolled up last night and put inside my shoe so I
wouldn't lose it--I lost it. I made too much noise in trying to find it as my
bride was awoken from her "sleep in" slumber.
Big mistake.
I had rather tangle with a cobra snake than to wake up Household 6. As of
this writing I no not what pennance I will pay for this error in judgement,
but am not sure my groin can stand it.

The gas light came on when I cranked the car--typical. So off to the shell
Station to get gas. I got gas just a week ago and left the nozzle in the tank
and drove off with it. Lucky the fuel hoses have quick releases, purposely
designed with Retards like me in mind. At any rate, I overfilled my gas tank
trying to stop on a amount divisible by five or ten. You know, stopping on
like 35 dollars and 50 cents....so it went like this! --34,36,39,41.
48,49,51...98, 99 01. I couldn't get it to stop on a 5 or 10 had my life depended on it.

The end result---left a dollars worth of regular unleaded down the side of my
car and on ground, gathering around my penny loafers. At this time I realized
that this was he same exact pump i drove off from last week with the fuel
nozzle still in the tank . Being true to ones self--- about this time I would have cussed a blue streak, but inasmuch as it is the holiday season, I took a cleansing
breath--no amount of profanity would undo my morning so far that was
southbound like a snow ball bound for hell.

Wal Mart.
Hallowed is its name.
Open 24 hours a day. I went in and purchased a belt for middle aged
fat man. I picked one that didn't have a price tag on it. I went back to the
belts and found the price tag. Actually, the same belts didn't have the price
so I got the price off the belt that closely resembled mine and went back to
the cashier and told him. I Should have went to the diaper aisle bought some
depends undergarments instead, because the only thing I hadnt done yet was
piss in my pants.

The belt- size 42--needed size 36. I Still have to pull my pants up.

Now I am on the interstate, driving to work---am listening to xmas music
trying to be "effing" merry but knowing the traffic
that is ten minutes away and the white elephant gift I have'nt wrapped and the
two meetings that await me I can only hope for a speeding ticket and a
scorching case of hemmorhoids to make it a perfect morning.

By the way, Boss---am gonna be thirty minutes late.

Keep a good thought.

George L. Fisher


"Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to
prayer."

Mark Twain