Domestic Bliss in the Millenium

This past week Wifey had a job doing that graphic layout designing thing that she does, which relegated me into a life of having to look after things upstairs---mere child’s play, I think to myself..

The Week looked something like this:

MONDAY- Arrive home from work, psyched to the max—I would impress upon Wifey how simple planning, time management and a little enthusiasm could get er done, even if I had just completed an 8 hour day 80 miles away—

Change out of uniform, get into kitchen, take whole roasting chicken out of the fridge, preheat oven to 350 degrees, and prepare chicken for roasting with herbs and spices—garlic pepper, kosher salt, fresh ground black pepper, thyme and rosemary. Gently coat bird in extra virgin olive oil prior to the rubbing on of spices. Also, begin to thaw the vegetables—on this night it will be cream corn with extra can of whole kernel corn added, and the delectable ford hook lima beans cooked just so--- (Butterbeans for those of us who live in the South).
Prepare fresh pitcher of Sweet Tea, and make idle chit-chat with kids about school, their dreams and goals in life. Wisely elect to feed doggies so they will not end up begging for scraps at the table. Fresh water and dry food aplenty.

Once the bird is placed in the oven and vegetables begin their initial warm up, empty the dishwasher and assemble clean plates, silverware, and glasses.

Help 16 year old daughter child finish the laundry, and have everyone take their own clothes to their respective rooms. Do this with enthusiastic dispatch, and then read the Macon Telegraph in its entirety whilst dinner cooks itself.

After the sumptuous meal, quickly assign KP duties to the girls, with the trash disposal tasked to Mans best friend. Manage and supervise in exemplary fashion, even taking time to show the correct way to load the dishwasher and replace the garbage bag. Use roasted chicken carcass as basis for Chicken Soup—put carcass in pot, add water, boil to a fare thee well in conjunction with kitchen police. Take to sink, strain, and sort good chicken from the rest of the chicken carcass-- Place pot in refrigerator overnight.
Place emphasis on light and thermostat discipline, and take the rest of the evening off, only after having ensured that all offspring have lessons complete and clothing available for the next duty day.
Dismissal of all Troops to their respective areas approx 2030 hrs.
Retire to bedroom and read until drifting off to sleep, approx 2130 hrs. Last conscious thought was how easy this is….

TUESDAY—
After working a half hour late, arrive home and gather soaking wet newspaper from driveway. Go inside, notice only 1/3 of dependants around, and in an effort to save time, dispense with changing out of army clothes and get right to preparation of the evening meal. Tonight the menu calls for Chicken Soup and Sandwich medley. Remove chicken stock from fridge and place on stove. Use existing half used box of linguini noodles and almost empty bag of egg noodles from previous meals and add to pot—add dash of hot sauce, and whatever else located near the stove. Let odor waft thru the house and take pride in getting the most out of your $4.25. Grab loaf of Colonial Old Fashioned White Bread (Hallowed be its crust) –remove 8 slices from the bag, and prepare sammys made from PBJ, Ham w/ Mayo/mustard combo, and Bologna w/ mustard. Assemble sammys, and cut each into 4 adorable little triangles. Keep in mind that presentation is the key, so arrange soup in middle of plate, with cutesy cut sammys neatly around the bowl at 12, 3, 6, and 9 o’clock.

After meal is prepared, go out in search of dependents. Find two kids, and ask wife if she would like to eat at the table or be served at her workstation down in the basement. Get no answer, so ask again—louder. Inform her the meal isn’t getting any warmer. Answer phone call from oldest who plays 20 questions about what is for supper, only to elect to eat at neighbors across the street.
Serve meal to the kids and yourself. Give bites of PBJ sammy to each dog as it is amusing to watch them get the peanut butter down without licking a dozen times. Drink all but the last swallow of Tea from night before—the swallow that has more than its share of grounds in it—and save for working wife. Immediately after meal, put bowls in sink, paper plates and napkins in trash can. Add the bowls to the dirty dishes that have collected since Monday evening when they were all clean-- ask out loud and to no one in particular just how in the hell that happened, then serve the working wife her dinner after the kitchen is cleaned. Fill the water bowl with a little extra for the peanut butter breath dogs, and throw a handful of food in the bowl. Wipe the stove, turn out the lights, and notice the folded clothes on the couch. Resolve to get them tomorrow. Threaten to cut the legs off your son if he doesn’t get the trash can moved to the curb, and answer “BECAUSE I SAID SO” when he questions why he has to take a shower two nights in a row.
Announce to entire house, ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 39 Please take thine narrow asses to bed!”-- Then retire to your own room.
Finally take off uniform and remember to do what you intended on doing the very moment you got home—go to the bathroom and take a leak.
Tempis Fugit (Time Flies), you say to yourself as you hit the sack, lapsing into a coma as the room turns dark.

WEDNESDAY

Arrive home to another soaking wet newspaper and mailbox full of bills. Have apoplexy as you read the power bill as you walk to the front door. Ascending the steps, trip over one small razor two wheeled scooter –grunt, then use profanity. Go inside cussing the power company and Ben Franklin for the whole electricity thing and notice every light in the house on. Throw George Fisher style fit and threaten kids with not only their lives, but the lives of any kids they plan on having. Notice out of corner of your eye the dogs have ran up under the sofa to hide.
Go into Kitchen, wonder just how in the world the sink got so full of dishes, and marvel at the collection of drinking glasses you have acquired in 17 years of marriage, all on display in sink number two. Beer Glasses, Jelly Jar glasses, and even a holiday glass from Arbys, circa 1987. Look around and notice no one anywhere near you in the house.

Prepare dinner by going to the fridge and grabbing a pack of Hot Dogs and Brats. Cut some potatoes into wedges and throw some olive oil and salt on them and toss them into a 400 degree oven. Light grill with grill lighter you just recently purchased in a multipack of three from Wal-Mart, but only after have looked downstairs, upstairs, the bedrooms, back deck, the workshop, and the backseat of my car. On way to light grill grab handful of paper towels and wipe forehead of sweat—cuss because it has become increasingly hot in the house due to thermostats being adjusted to save money.
Open a can of Baked beans and put in saucepan on stove. Search high and low for the tongs you got for Fathers day. Find them right before the hot dogs and Brats spontaneously combust. Forget about the potatoes in the oven, but rescue them when they are the shade of the bark commonly found on a Georgia pine. Make pitcher of Sweet tea, using too much water and not enough sugar. Listen to the 10 year old wax eloquently on how the tea is “not like Mommas and boy is she not going to like this at all.”

As the dinner hour approaches, send out rescue party to see where 14 yr old son is. Receive “visit” from 16 yr old daughter who grabs a hot dog “to go” since she is helping the neighbor lady with her kids.. Discover when Joe, aka Mans best friend, comes home an hour later that he was playing pool at Johns, and inform him he has broken General Order number 1, and that he is confined to quarters for the next 24 hours. On his way to his room he can “damn well take out the trash young man”--- Take pride in yourself for exercising some “tough love” as you leave a hot dog and baked beans on the stove in case anyone wanders down in the middle of the night hungry. Feed each dog half a bratwurst apiece, and take the glasses and pile in the sink. Pray that the dish fairy comes in during the night and cleans them. Plop down on couch, exhausted. Pull folded clothes out from under your butt in order to make some room and get comfortable. By doing some quick planning in your head, you figure out the rest of the week’s dinner menu:

THURSDAY- Cereal with or with out milk. With or without bowls. Ala Carte.
FRIDAY- Papa Johns Pizza

Life is good—but it’s been a tough week.