Adventures in Grocery Shopping

This Saturday found me with an off weekend and a grocery list handed to me by Household 6 (that's the call sign for Wifey) to go to Kroger and do the "just a few things to get us by before we do the HEAVY Thanksgiving shopping"...



When going Krogering, I rarely go by myself. Undaunted and not the least bit intimidated by this "womans work", however, I grabbed the list, put on my ball cap, grabbed the keys to the Titanic and hit the road. With as much zeal and zest as i could muster, I psyched myself to get in and get out in a hurry. Double checking to make sure the grocery buggy had 4 good round wheels and no alignment problems, I struck out thru the produce headed for my first stop, the bananas.

two bunches and a plastic bag off the roll of plastic bags thingy, i headed over to grab a loaf of bread and was on aisle two before the senior citizens could figure out which grapes to buy.



Next on the list was Tomatoes, written like this: "4 Cans Tomatoes"--I ran into the entire section of tomatoes on the next aisle. It was here i encountered my first small glitch. Big cans, small cans, or regular cans? Diced, Peeled, or Whole? Hunts, Del Monte, or Store Brand? I thought about it for a moment and out of the corner of my eye could see the senior citizens I had blown past a moment ago were now waiting on me, as was another lady with a small child. I maneuvered my buggy to give them the right of way, and called Wifey for guidance.



"Big cans, small cans, regular cans, Diced, Peeled or whole, Del Monte, Hunts or Store brand?" I asked.



"Regular, Diced, whatever is cheaper" was the reply.



I threw 4 cans into the buggy, one of which hit the bread, and I sped off while feeling the stares of the old folks and a Mother with small child. I will make it up on the next aisle, I thought to myself, because in all of grocerydom, this aisle belonged to me and to no other.



It was the CEREAL Aisle.



The cereal aisle is the greatest aisle in all the universe, known only to little kids and middle aged men. The cereal aisle is where i feel closer to God. It's like a closer walk with thee. The cereal aisle reminds me of all that is good in the world. It was here that in a matter of seconds i had scored boxes of Froot Loops, Cap'n Crunch (who Crunchitized me back before Crunchitizing was even a word), Apple Cinnamon Cheerios and Corn Pops. I bought the reverend stuff because it is, after all, the week before Thanksgiving, and life is too short for the generic brands of cereal. I was on aisle three before you could say White Grape Peach Juice, which was what was next on the list. OATMEAL, as it turned out, caused me another issue. There was store brand, Quaker oats, and both in assorted packs.

I called Wifey again.

"YOU have a coupon for Maple Brown sugar", she said, and clearly agitated. OOPS! I forgot I had brought some store coupons with me to save some money. We are, after all, in a recession. "OK, Love bug, GOT IT! BYE" and could hear her muttering something about her doing it herself as I ended the call. I had been in Kroger a million times and now all of a sudden the place had become Mt. Everest. I was fast becoming helpless and my list was as vague as if it were a blank sheet of paper.

Rounding the next aisle, I felt the beads of sweat break out on my forehead. Not only had those first two ladies caught up with me but I was now in a veritable traffic jam with buggies all around, everyone reaching for the same items--or so it seemed. Quickly I bolted for the meat section, where there was a little breathing room-I hoisted a 23 pound Turkey into the buggy, only to find it wouldn't fit, so I shoved him under the buggy. The list had Hamburger Meat (2) which meant two pounds. Ground sirloin, chuck, or lean? one 2 lb package, or two one pound packages? I started to dial the phone again but got hold of myself, picking two one pound packs of hamburger meat, still not knowing if it was lean, ground chuck, or sirloin.

Doubling back to use the coupon for sugar, both white and brown, brought yet another dilemma. Brown sugar comes in two shades, light and dark. I know enough that a recipe will be specific enough to ask for a particular shade, and one need not stray from shade to shade. It may mean the difference between oooh and ahhh. So, quite naturally, since this was of utmost importance, I had to call Wifey once more.
"Light or Dark?", was all I asked. Then, a long silence. "Light", she said and before she could utter another sound I yelled into the phone "I GOT IT- SEE YOU IN A BIT!" and hit the red button on my phone. Another Aisle, and paper plates, paper towels, napkins, and the one necessity we cant live without, toilet paper, or as I like to call them, hockey tickets. No significant issues to report here.

About this time I ran into Friend and fellow soldier Captain Mike Lipper. We have seen each other naked in the shower on many mornings in Iraq, and I bought my mid life crisis car from him. He is family. He saw me and held up his list that his wife had given him, and I held my list up that my wife had given me. The pained look in both our faces could only be appreciated and understood by those of us who have seen each other naked in Iraq.

On final approach, I hit the dog food aisle for puppy pads and dog treats. The Puppy pads are for the dogs to wet on when they don't get the chance to go outside. The reward for hitting the pad is a dog treat. Neither works like it was designed, and until they make puppy pads in the 2500 square feet versions, its like threading a needle trying to get my canines to go anywhere other than hiking their legs on the fake ficus trees inside the house. Don't get me started.

The last stop at the 10 items for 10 dollars discount bin, I was able to get some AA Batteries, some Almond Joy candy bars, some air freshener (See the note about the non-housebroken dogs) and some Shave cream, all one dollar a piece if you get ten items. Woo-Hoo!!

Making my way to an available checkout lane, I was able to see what pandemonium exists in this place on a Saturday morning--Why anyone in their right mind would want to go grocery shopping on a Saturday is beyond me. Unloading the buggy onto the checkout counter proved that I had sufficiently ruined the loaf of bread and placed the hamburger meat where the juices would run out onto the other food. My environmental hazard caused my cashier to ask the next attendant for some wipes so that the "spill" could be contained. somehowI managed to get the stuff all over my jacket and it looked like I had taken a bullet into the chest. There was no way this grocery store visit was going to be anything but grueling work. What joy I had brought into the store disappeared shortly after reaching for the Cap'n Crunch.

Out the door and now pulling a super stacked buggy of vittles, I managed to get out the door and into the path of an oncoming car when the paper towels managed to leave my buggy and hit the pavement. Pulling the buggy and toting an armload of paper towels, I had to sit it down again when I got to the car, now having to fish around in my two front pockets and jacket pockets for the one key. Lifting the tailgate I start by taking all the CRAP that is presently in the cargo hold and throwing it back over into the back seat. Slamming my shin into the trailer hitch and ball almost proved to be my undoing, and the only thing that kept me from cussing a blue streak was the intense pain that my shin was in. A lesser man would have succumbed to his wounds and died on the scene.

After 5 trips back and forth to get the groceries to the kitchen, and another thirty minutes of putting everything away, Iwas mentally and physically exhausted, not to mention having my shin hurt.

I had to have a nap.

This "Womans work" is like a kick in the shins. I will let a diesel mechanic give me a colonoscopy before I go back into the grocery store again without my wife.

I ain't man enough.